For the last 4 years or so I have been totally dedicated to the spiritual path, meditating morning and evening, reading, having regular holistic therapies, writing and singing affirmations, the list goes on. What lead me to find this path was years of being deeply uncomfortable with myself, a spoilt brat, a complainer, never happy in any job, moody, a nightmare of a sister & daughter, snappy & selfish, I was a major pain in the ass!! Then everything just came to a head and the only way I could find to deal with my deep hatred of myself and the world I lived in was to stop eating, I strictly controlled what I ate and lost weight quickly, I had anorexia. At the same time I became physically ill and It felt like life was just too much, I was desperately unhappy, small situations at work became to much for me to handle, I was stressed beyond belief, I was on the brink of a meltdown. Then somebody at work, who was a reiki master, gave me a book by Lorna Byrne called Stairways to heaven and that book changed my life. I began to ask for help from the angels (I had never believed in angels before but I needed help so thought what the heck) and then my spiritual path unfolded before me in quite a dramatic way. I stared going for reiki sessions to help myself get better, I met another person in work who was on the spiritual path who gave me suggestions of other books I could read and I was away. I would scour the self help section of any bookshop looking for anything that resonated with me (Louise Hay – You can heal your life was a massive help) I read anything I could get my hands on about the law of attraction and spiritual development. I became a self help junkie and yes I did all of the excercises in the books, I knew there was more to life than what I had been experiencing. I began to meditate. I went on workshops, I used affirmations, gradually I began to get better, I began to feel good about myself and my life. I learnt to love myself and to cut a very long story short (another blog maybe) I to started to eat properly again, I trained to be a holistic therapist, I quit my job and set up my own business, marvellous!! I am on the road to happiness!
So after 4 years of devotion to stripping back the layers, retraining my thoughts into better ones, discovering more about myself, learning to have faith & to trust in the universe, learning that the divine is within me, within all of us, that we are all one, that I am powerful beyond measure as we all are, that I can manifest my dreams, to love wholeheartedly, comes the 'wobble' It was actually 'wobble Wednesday' that turned into 'Wobble week' It started with an angel card reading that i do for myself regularly and the fact that i've had a quiet few weeks in work, no new clients, no enquiries for reiki training, nothing exciting happening, the angel card I had drawn was forgiveness, I have done a lot of forgiveness work so was slightly confused, have I not done enough? But who angels do I need to forgive? I asked, and the answer that came back loud and clear was– YOU! So I soon realised that I hadn't forgiven myself for being horrible to my sister and mum, I remember a time when I was about 7 years old and my younger sister was about 3 we were having a picture taken and my mum said “hold your sisters hand” but I didn't want to because she had eczema and her hand felt all scratchy. I always felt bad about that but I was 7 and her hand did feel scratchy!! Why do we beat ourselves up over such silly things? So I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself, I let the feelings of guilt go, I actually wrote 3 letters another 2 forgiving myself for being a horrid spoilt brat to my mum and then I burnt them. Adios to the guilt, I let it all go, it felt good, like a weight had been lifted.
Then the wobble started, I began to feel vibrationally low, I had re trained myself into feeling vibrationally good, grateful & joyous but I did not feel this way, I felt low and down and flat – I am not used to feeling this way, I cried out to the angels,why do I feel this way? Then I began to get frustrated a few days of feeling like this did not feel good at all, I was tired, I was not feeling grateful, I was future tripping, why is my business so quiet? My business is supposed to be expanding and on top of that I was unsure on where my business was heading, what do I do next angels? No answer.
Deep frustration set in so a conversation with the creator was required, it wasn't really a conversation It was me sat in my treatment room at work during an previously unheard of gap between clients, shouting WHY GOD? WHY DOES EVERYBODY ELSE GET WHAT THEY WANT AND I DONT?? I NEED A SIGN TO SHOW ME IF I'M ON THE RIGH PATH, I NEED A SIGN NOW, I HAVE DONE ALL THIS SPIRITAUL WORK AND HERE I AM GOING NOWHERE. WHY DO I FEEL SO HORRIBLE? There where a few pillows nearby so they got the battering of their life. Did I feel any better, no, oh dear.
I was tired so I tried to get more sleep, but I still felt flat, my friend and I had heard of Kundalini yoga class so we went along. My next blog will be about this unusual experience as it was very different to a regular Hatha yoga class. I was yawning all the way through the class, what is a spiritual soldier to do mid wobble? So the very unusual yoga class finished, my friend loved it, I was very unsure, a bit too much arm waving and funny music for me, I went to bed early. The next morning I felt like a different person, I stepped out of bed and said thank you, I bounded around the house shouting my affirmations, I felt alive, I felt great, I AM BACK!! Phew, I was beginning to worry there that all this spiritual practice had gone to waste and i was never going to feel good ever again. That day I also had a gap between clients but I didn't feel like my world was going to end because of it, I meditated I wrote a list of things to put in my wish box. I came up with the idea for this blog, I feel clearer, I am still on track, I feel better than I did before. So what happened?
When we clear out the emotional baggage there has to be a shift, a shift in energy and perception. I think the arm waving yoga class helped me release this pent up energy & frustration. I had forgiven myself and for some reason this dip made things that were not great feel terrible. Being quiet in work and struggling with the direction of my business had made me feel super frustrated, but now I no longer feel I need to be in control, I let go and I hand everything over to a power much greater than I. I thought I had already done this but it wasn't enough. I needed to let go some more. I have realised I need to take more care of myself to get more rest. I learnt that from the wobble comes more clarity, I am full of energy yet I am calm, I have become clearer on my goals. I had lost sight of 'the present' and what amazing things I have accomplished over the last 4 years. When I think of the things I wrote about in my letters they do not make me feel bad anymore,I have released the attachment to the feelings I used to feel when I thought about these events, now they are just things that happened in my past, no longer things that happened that made me feel guilty, bad, ashamed of myself. I do not get that tight ball in my stomach that signifies not good feeling, a feeling of guilt about who I was many years ago. Was the wobble because of the forgivness work? Who knows, I'm pretty sure that when we have a wobble like this we step up on the spiritual ladder, to move forwards we need to clear out some rubbish and make space for more light. I am grateful for these past experiences for they have made me who I am today.
Wobble Wednesday or week may come again but I will recognise this and accept it for what it is, it is growth, a shift. All of us on this spiritual path have them. A fabulous quote a heard today is - 'The wound is the place where the light enters you' – Rumi. I was wounded and another small aspect of my psyche is healed. How do you pick yourself up from a wobble? I think it's individual, ask the angels, do a card reading, look for the signs, go to a crazy kundalini yoga class, talk to a like minded friend, take a walk in nature, It will come to an end and this is how growth occurs, release the old patterns and look for miracles. Wobbles are good, even though they don't feel like it at the time, let that stuff go, let go of the guilt, of feeling bad about a situation that happened, it does not serve you, move onwards, move upwards be the best you can be, keep on spiritual soldier, keep on the world needs your light.